Rage. Pure, unhinged anger boiling deep inside–the kind that makes you want to roar like a lion. The sheer thought of this can be frightening and yet it’s an emotion within us all.
I hope you enjoyed the cover I chose for this blog. That’s Sunny in what we affectionately call her “Hyde Mode”, nicknamed after the Hyde character from the Wednesday series. It emerges whenever she spots something out of the ordinary happening beyond our front window. Just like you see her doing in Sunny’s Second Chance.
Everyone feels anger, whether they choose to admit it or not. What I have discovered–and found intriguing–over the course of my life is that the source of our anger is not always what it appears to be.
Anger is one of these emotions that, I think we can all agree, is rarely welcomed. It is often mistaken or misunderstood, even sometimes by the one that is feeling it in the moment. We tend to hide it, avoid discussing it, or express it in unhealthy ways. When it surfaces, we may also have difficulty explaining where it came from.
Perhaps that is because anger is often rooted in our deepest vulnerabilities; embarrassment, guilt, shame, mistakes, fear, loss, and hurt.
We lash out, or we withdraw. We blame others, or we become passive and allow them to walk over us.
Years ago, I learned a strategy for redirecting strong emotions during conflict. It was based off of the @CliftonStrengths Assessment developed by Gallup and reframed by the author of Better Conversations, Jim Knight as a way to redirect conversations during conflict. I share them here as a way to redirect yourself when experiencing anger.
Name It. Claim It. Tame It. Aim It.
**Name It–**Identify the emotion. Physically pause and say its name aloud. Write it down. Putting your feelings into words can slow your thoughts, steady your breathing, calm your nervous system, and help bring you back to the present moment.
**Claim It–**Continue writing as you explore where the emotion came from. Describe the events that led to the feeling and why they affected you. This is where you can incorporate another great tool, called the “Five Whys” strategy, developed by Sakichi Toyoda, founder of the Toyota Corporation. Ask yourself, Why do I feel this way? Then use each answer to guide your next “why”, repeating the process four more times. You may uncover something deeper beneath the anger.
**Tame It–**Give yourself space to reflect on how you would like to manage these feelings. Ask yourself how they are affecting your daily life. Then consider how you would prefer to respond the next time you feel triggered by a similar situation. Write down what it would look like and feel like to respond that way.
Aim It– Reflect on the resources and people available to help you manage these emotions in a healthier way. Where can you direct this energy? Who can support you? What next step can you take toward healing and growth? Write down an attainable goal.
I recently experienced a profound amount of anger. After taking time to reflect, I came to believe that recent traumatic events stirred up unresolved emotions connected to a previous loss.
It hit hard–roar-like-a-lion hard.
Luckily, I have a wonderful support system, and I was able to take the time and space I needed to begin working through it.
I hope this blog provides an open door for you to find the courage to acknowledge the natural anger that exists inside. May the strategies provided help us explore and express anger in healthy ways and that perhaps one day, anger will become less feared and more accepted as we do so–not as permission to hurt ourselves or others, but as emotions carrying a message we deserve to understand.
May we all become better navigators in the face of anger.
